Shouldn’t

I shouldn’t feel like I’m cheating on you when I’m with him,
but I do.
I shouldn’t feel guilty for being in love with you,
but I do.
I shouldn’t be questioning all the parts of my life,
but I do.
I shouldn’t be encouraging you to continue,
but I do.

So what the fuck am I doing?

I Am A Hypocrite

Hypocrite. This is a person who gives great fucking advice. They tell people what not to do or how to do something, but can’t or won’t fucking practice what they preach.

I am a fucking hypocrite.

I am a registered nurse. I work on a medical-surgical floor that cares for people of all ages. I take care of patients who are post operative, critically sick, demented, addicted, dying, suffering, and of course… mentally ill.

I have mental health issues. Fucking loads of them if you haven’t already figured it out. I can’t even cope with my own anxiety and depressing thoughts and here I am… providing outstanding fucking care to people that have the same issues as me.

So today, I was watching over a young girl that tried to overdose again. She’s been a repeat offender this year (twice this month alone). She’s beautiful, talented, and loved, but I recognized the deep sadness in her eyes, the blank stare, the flat affect, and the emotionless conversation with everyone around her. I saw everything in her that I have seen in myself.

I knew her. I talked to her and told her I understood, that I had been in that dark place. I tried to get her to open up, but she had already shut down and only wanted to go home. She tried to convince her family, the doctor, and me that she was fine and that she “accidentally” swallowed 66 fucking pills. But I knew what she was going to do if she got discharged back home. She was going to put on an act, wait for the coast to be clear, try ending herself again, and maybe succeed in her next attempt.

So I called the crisis line. I made call after call convincing people she was unstable and needed a specialized psych facility. A full shift later and I fucking did it. I got her detained and ordered to go to a rehab facility for therapy. I might have provided the reality check she needed and the second chance that she deserved.

After my suicide-prevention mission was complete, I drove deep in thought with my music blaring and the window open so my hair could twist in the wind. And I thought to myself… why is it that I go out of my way to help people like me… but I can’t even help myself.

It’s because I’m a fucking hypocrite.