“What would you do if you saw him right now?“
Is what was whispered to me.
Shopping in the next town over, buying more clothes and shit I didn’t need. I saw you there. And you saw me.
The person who tore me down and made me feel broken. You. My predator. My stalker. My nightmares. My fears. My reality. My rapist.
I felt your dirty fucking eyes watching me from the five racks over.
So… I stood taller, walked straighter, built up confidence, laughed at nothing, and looked you in the eye.
You saw me.
Happy. Beautiful. Glowing. Staring you down and hating every fucking part of you. I smiled confidently from ear to ear.
I let you know, in my fiery glare, that you didn’t break me down. You didn’t ruin me. You didn’t smolder my flame.
You saw me. I am here. You sick motherfucker…
And I am stronger than fucking ever.
I want to taste love and pain,
I want to feel pride and shame.
I don't want to take my time,
I don't want to feel the blame.
I want to live better days,
I never want to look back and say...
That could have been me.
What makes me do the stupid fucking things I do?
I keep making poor decisions… and then carefully walking on eggshells praying they don’t come back to bite me in the ass. I feel like I’m doing these things to punish myself. Which is pushing myself farther into depression.
I have become somewhat of a professional fuck-up over this last year. I keep telling myself… “Dude… you won’t fucking do this shit again… you learned a valuable life lesson today bitch”. I mean… fuck… I’m 26 and still haven’t seemed to learn anything from my mistakes.
Bullshit. Here I am, once again, mentally spiraling into a rabbit hole. Drinking vodka, building a model ship, and watching corny romance movies with my damn cats. BTW… don’t watch “Drinking Buddies” (with the hottie Jake Johnson from New Girls) if you are having sexual tension friend issues in real life. It’s a real fucking bummer at the end.
So, now I need to end the year off on the right foot and fix another mistake. I’ve got umm…. holy balls… only 19 more days to make this fuck-up better.
Well fuck. Here’s to hoping I learned an actual lesson today and that I can fix what I regret! Cheers!
I’m going on a trip in January…
I’m going there to see two great guys. One I’ve never met in person, and one is a longtime best friend. Military boys.
I absolutely cannot fucking wait to sit on the beach. It’s only December and I’m already begging for fucking warmth and sun. These snow covered white pines, although beautiful… are slowly dragging me down shitty sadness creek again.
I just want my feet in warm sand, humid air on my body, and the sun hitting my face. I want to be able to just lay there with the ocean in front of me. Only water separating me and the sunset.
I want to sit and breathe the salted ocean air… ponder, think, imagine, and release myself completely.
I. Cannot. Fucking. Wait.
However, I’m not only anxious for warmth and adventure… but to see someone that means a whole damn lot to me. Someone who I miss dearly and thought I’d never be able to see again.
New memories will be made in January, and hopefully the past will be in the past.
I thought I lost you,
And now you’re back.
I grieved for you,
And here you are.
I needed you,
And you weren’t there.
I still love you,
For the person you are.
I still want you,
In my life.
I need you,
To stay here with me.
I pray you fucking stay.