How

Tell me…

How did we get here?
And where the fuck do we go now?

Just Me

There was just me.
Then there was you too.
Sitting in white rockers.
Up high on a dark, chilly balcony.
Watching, gazing, thinking...

Overlooking the night of Sunset Beach.
Staring up under Orion's Belt.
Lights shining through pinholes.
Set deep into the ink black sky.
Imaging, dreaming, growing...

Watching the waves in front of us.
Listening to their thunderous sounds.
We're smoking cigarettes.
Breathing in more than the salty air.
Talking, laughing, crying...

It was just us and our thoughts.
Our words that broke through the ocean air.
Thoughts that came to light.
Feelings that were shared.
Loving, believing, living...

Now they are only memories.
Almost like they were never really there.
A blank space with nothing left to see.
Because now it's only you.
And now it's just me.

Self-Help

Current status…

Currently… I’m sitting here on my kitchen floor. Thinking. Writing to you.

In between my batches of chocolate walnut cookies (which smell fucking delicious btw), I’m reading a self-help book with Halsey playing in the background. Yeah yeah. I fucking broke down. Bought myself a damn self-help book from Amazon…

Maybe you have also bought a book like this. So stupidly inspirational that your whole damn life forever changes after the first chapter. I’m skeptical… but apparently fucking completely desperate for any answers or guide to changing myself at this point.

It’s bright yellow. Has basic font. A very cheery looking book. Simply titled, “YOU are a BADASS”. A guide on how to stop doubting my greatness and start living an awesome life. Basically, I figured if I was ACTUALLY going to read a self-help book it was going to have fucking sass and lots of damn cuss words. Please excuse my french.

I’m ready to start actually fucking loving myself. I want to see all the great things that everyone else apparently sees in me that I’m missing. I want to fucking discover myself and be able to mold myself into who I was meant to be. Yeah… I’ve been slowly starting to learn how to love my shitty flaws, but maybe trying something different (something with a zest of cringe) could be the extra boost that I need right now. Cringe.

So here’s to my fucking seemingly impossible soul searching mission. Wish me some luck!!!

Also… praying that the chapter “Leading with my crotch” is not going to be a literal concept… I’ll let you know.

Cheers!

With You

When I'm with you,
I memorize every angle of your face,
I breathe in as much of you as I can,
I notice your every movements,
I record your voice and laugh in my head.

So when I'm away,
I can remember every minuscule detail,
Of every single moment,
From when I was with you.

Lights On

One day,
I might not
Make it back home.
If you love me,
You'll never
Let me go.
Just please, 
Keep on waiting and
Leave the lights on.

Release

Heal.
Let go.
Forgive. 
Release.
Move on.
Be myself.
Love myself. 
Learn from mistakes.
Feel my feelings.
Speak my truths.
Set new boundaries.
Trust the universe.
Watch the stars.
Own my bullshit.
Fix my wrongs.
Find a new path.
Follow my own way.
Take a deep breath.
And...
Hope for the best.

Warning Signs

Hairs raising.
Stomach turning.
Goosebumps growing.
Sweat trickling.
Heart pounding.
Mind racing. 

I should have followed my gut.
I should have followed my instincts.
I should have listened to my feelings.

Because...

These weren't feelings of any excitement.
They weren't just butterflies in my stomach.
They weren't the jitters from my unknown anxieties.

These were my warning signs. 

Narcissist

You.

You’re manipulative.

You patronize me and belittle me.

You only care about what you want.

You don’t truly care about my feelings.

You tell me it’s all in my head.

You need everything to go your way.

You use me.

You play games to make me come back.

You’re so fucking selfish and demanding.

You’re a self-centered, egocentric motherfucker.

You’re conniving and deceitful.

You’re always having to have the last word.

You’re lying to yourself by blaming others.

You’re ignorant and so damn arrogant.

You’re fucking mean when not the center of my attention.

You.

You are an asshole.

And a fucking narcissist.

2020

Fucking welcome aboard 2020!

A new year and a fresh start? Yeah… I think new year’s resolutions are complete bull. We should all be trying to resolve our problems the WHOLE damn year, not just the first two weeks of it. However, I am curious to see what I can fucking accomplish in the next 357 days of 2020.

Will I be able to change all the things about myself I dislike? Will I be able to stop wondering what others think about me? Will I be able to stop myself from seeing myself as just a number on a scale? Will I be able to hold strong to my values, even if it lets others down?

Can I be the strongest I’ve ever fucking been? Can I not make the same shitty mistakes that I’ve made over and over again? Can I love others more than I’ve ever loved them? And… Can I truly and honestly love myself?

2020… Let me give you a go.