Month: February 2020

Molotov

So here’s to moving on,
After you burnt me like a molotov.
I’ve realized what I was missing all along,
Ever since your drug has worn off.

I can put my heart back together alone,
Because I’m done with all the fucking lies.
So don’t worry about hearing from me again,
They’ll be no more fake goodbyes.

Truth #11

I spent three weeks last year looking like a zombie.

So… over the last few years I regrettingly got into this binge-purge cycle. Sometimes it was daily and sometimes I’d go months without doing it. I never did it to lose weight, but to be able to eat things I missed and somehow maintain my weight. I was basically completely fucking desperate not to gain weight, but still had moments of eating compulsion which I would instantly regret, fixate on, and get it out.

So, last year I ended up gagging myself so hard that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. The ENTIRE white of my eye was blood red and I looked like a fucking zombie. I told everyone it was from weightlifting, but in reality I had done it to myself. It was horrifying to see what I was doing was actually causing injury. It was also horrifying having to spend three weeks scaring people (and myself honestly) shitless just by making eye contact.

However horrible that situation was, my fucked up zombie eye instantly cured my desire to ever ‘purge it out’ again. I love my eyes and the thought of not being able to show them off scared me straight.

P.S. Don’t wear sunglasses in Walmart… You’re going to look super fucking shady and you will bump into practically everything… 🙂

Me Doing Me

I’m trying to figure this all out,
But nothings coming to my mind.
I’m remembering all our mistakes,
But the memories with them were a good time.

I was terrified to tell you,
That I loved you but you needed to let me go.
I just need to work on myself right now,
And it’s something I can only do on my own.

Truth #10

My biggest fear is gaining back any of the weight that I lost.

I’ve lost 140lbs naturally over about three years and gaining even a few pounds now makes me spiral. I know I’ll never allow myself to get to that point again, but the fear is still there.

I would be fucking sadder than shit if I couldn’t wear my new sexy clothes anymore. 🙂