M.J.L.

I don’t know if this should be a poem… I don’t even know how to start this… I don’t know what to say or how to say it… I honestly don’t even know if you’re reading this right now… but here is what I know…

I know that I hurt you. I know that I fucked up (again). I know that you probably hate me and never want to talk to me again. I know that you loved me and wanted to share your life with me. I know you blame yourself (even though you should not). I know I fucking broke your heart.

I am so utterly sorry. I am so fucking sorry. I am sorry I hurt you and hurt myself (again). I am sorry I probably made you cry the way I did. I am sorry I told you I loved you when I should have kept it to myself. I am sorry for leading you on to something I wasn’t completely sure about. I am sorry for not being what you wanted me to be. I am sorry that I ruined a long friendship that can never be replaced. I am sorry if you feel like you blame yourself for any of this bullshit. I am sorry for dragging you down and putting you in a place you don’t need or want to be. I am sorry that you feel you can’t even talk to me. I am so fucking sorry.

I will never stop loving you unconditionally. I will never think of you with anything other than love and respect. I will keep looking at our pictures and thinking back on those memories. I will never look at peanut butter the same way again (laughed a bit through my tears right there for a second). I will think of you every time I look at the stars. I will pray every, single, fucking day that you can somehow be part of my life. I will be thinking about you everyday until I hear from you. I will not say goodbye, but I will say see you later. I will ALWAYS BE HERE.

So if you are reading this M.J.L. … I am sorry. I’ll never know if you read this unless you say something. I’m terrified to try to message you (I just don’t want to know if you blocked my number and I don’t want to make anything worse than what it already is). I want you (and me) to TRY to begin the healing process now and I think some time alone is very much needed. Right now we both feel like shit, but maybe someday we can rebuild our friendship.

I will always be here. You know where to find me.

See you later.

29 thoughts on “M.J.L.

  1. It’s quite sensitive a post. Sorry if it offends you.
    In my opinion, love should not demand one to change himself or herself into someone else to please the partner. Love is about acceptance despite the flaws. Isn’t it?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. When we really love someone we give away a piece of ourselves. Even when we want to recall it – it won’t come back, stubbornly it lodges in the other person. You may have fucked up but I can see your love is real – love unfortunately doesn’t always work out and is not enough. Unconditional love allows the space for all outcomes – it is the only place to rest yourself now. Maybe it will work out maybe not – I hope it works out for you.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Oh Hal anyone who has been there knows what it feels like – it’s excruciating but take it from someone who it didn’t work out for – not because of a lack of genuinely deep feeling and love but because of a massive amount of bad timing and other obstacles – sometimes what doesn’t work is because it isn’t meant to – it is because there is something different (not better maybe but different) and you are simply being redirected. Whatever happens you’ll be fine. 💖

        Liked by 2 people

      2. ❤️❤️ A huge amount of bad timing indeed. I feel worse for him then me honestly. I never meant to hurt anyone. And although this feels completely horrible right now, I know I have been through much worse. So I know I’ll be okay and find my path 🙂 I just hope he’ll be okay too. Thank you!!! ❤️

        Liked by 2 people

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