I don’t know if this should be a poem… I don’t even know how to start this… I don’t know what to say or how to say it… I honestly don’t even know if you’re reading this right now… but here is what I know…
I know that I hurt you. I know that I fucked up (again). I know that you probably hate me and never want to talk to me again. I know that you loved me and wanted to share your life with me. I know you blame yourself (even though you should not). I know I fucking broke your heart.
I am so utterly sorry. I am so fucking sorry. I am sorry I hurt you and hurt myself (again). I am sorry I probably made you cry the way I did. I am sorry I told you I loved you when I should have kept it to myself. I am sorry for leading you on to something I wasn’t completely sure about. I am sorry for not being what you wanted me to be. I am sorry that I ruined a long friendship that can never be replaced. I am sorry if you feel like you blame yourself for any of this bullshit. I am sorry for dragging you down and putting you in a place you don’t need or want to be. I am sorry that you feel you can’t even talk to me. I am so fucking sorry.
I will never stop loving you unconditionally. I will never think of you with anything other than love and respect. I will keep looking at our pictures and thinking back on those memories. I will never look at peanut butter the same way again (laughed a bit through my tears right there for a second). I will think of you every time I look at the stars. I will pray every, single, fucking day that you can somehow be part of my life. I will be thinking about you everyday until I hear from you. I will not say goodbye, but I will say see you later. I will ALWAYS BE HERE.
So if you are reading this M.J.L. … I am sorry. I’ll never know if you read this unless you say something. I’m terrified to try to message you (I just don’t want to know if you blocked my number and I don’t want to make anything worse than what it already is). I want you (and me) to TRY to begin the healing process now and I think some time alone is very much needed. Right now we both feel like shit, but maybe someday we can rebuild our friendship.
I will always be here. You know where to find me.
See you later.