So sometimes I have REALLY odd patients at work… but this week’s beat them all.
Imagine a seventy year old schizophrenic hobbit lady that hoards garbage, has no teeth, long nails caked underneath with an unknown filth, and is covered with cat shit. Literally. She was found by family at her house laying on the floor and covered with poop from her thirty cats. Seriously. (I did make sure animal control took the cats btw). So there I am with this mean, screaming, punching, hobbit creature in my care and I’m thinking it can’t get worse. Nope. I was fucking wrong.
In walks her family (daughter and son-in-law) looking like actors from the ‘Hills Have Eyes’. Basically like swamp people that have been inbreeding for a hundred years and their DNA had just been scrambled by this point. Literally no one in this family had teeth. The whole family just had these creepy, blank, toothless smiles that fucking gave me goosebumps. Anyways, so I’m explaining to the son-in-law that I needed to get a sample from his mother-in-law for a test and the dude says, “She’s not my mom… she’s my girlfriend”. (This is after I just saw him kissing the patient’s fucking daughter in the hallway btw.) I must have made my confused “what the fuck is happening” face because he began informing me about his relationships. He explains how he loves them both and sometimes he fucks the schizo hobbit patient… and sometimes he fucks the schizo hobbit’s daughter… and sometimes they all fuck in all their grossness together… and then I puked in my mouth. He just stands there after this revolting story with his blank, toothless smile waiting for a response. Completely horrified I say, “Well… I’m glad you all get along together” before quickly getting the fuck out of there and ending my shift.
And now… I’m sitting here on my day off… and for the life of me I can’t get the image of the ‘Hills Have Eyes’ incest family fucking together in a hoarding house filled with thirty cats…