I’m Still Here

I fell asleep. I felt safe.

I was drinking. Fell asleep. On my couch. In my home. My husband went to bed. You were there. My husband’s coworker. Fucking watching. Fucking waiting.

I woke up. My pants pushed down. You were behind me. One arm around my neck. One arm around my chest. You were inside me. Thrusting. Sweating. Cussing.

Paralyzed in fear and pain. I knew what was wrong. I knew I should shout, scream, cry for help. But there was fear. And then it was over. You finished yourself off into me. Like a dirty rag. A tear rolled down my face.

Shock. Disbelief. I trusted you.

I was bleeding. I was hurting. I felt disgusting. I had become another statistic. You said it was fine. But it wasn’t fine.

For six months. I lived in silence. In fear. In guilt and embarrassment. Then I told you off. You told me you thought I wanted it. You told me you didn’t remember doing it. You said “sorry”.

You fucking lying bastard.

So I cut you out of my life. I picked up the pieces. I moved on. I learned. I grew. I became stronger. I spoke up. Now it’s been a year.

And I’m still fucking here.

*I published this last year and rereading this tonight I was struck by my own words. These are the most difficult, raw words I’ve ever written and I really wanted to share it once more. Those reading this who have also been sexually assaulted, please know you are not alone. ❤️🙌 It gets better.

Boxed

I feel like we all try
to fit ourselves inside of a box.

A simple, square, basic box.

A box where we fit,
try to fit,
or pretend to fit…

But anyway we look at it
it’s still a fucking box.

So…

Are we supposed to stay
inside the box we wind up in?

Or do we work our hardest
to get out of it?


Directionless

During the day,
I have a map.


A crisp, well designed,
detailed map

which I may drift from,
but soon come back to follow.

During the night
I have a compass.

A rusted, cracked,
loose screwed compass

which I try to follow,
but the magnetism is off.

So West becomes East,
and North becomes South…

And I’m left spinning

the full 360°…

Directionless
and lost
until morning.