Last night my patient was told she had two months to live. Maybe more, maybe less…
She sat there listening to what the doctor had to say about her poor prognosis, tears building behind her eyes.
He tenderly answered her questions, leaving her no more further scenarios to ponder within her bald head.
He left. I stayed.
I handed her some tissues, helped dry her sunken face, and held her hand as we waited for her family’s return.
She then looked at me suddenly, grinning as she said, “Well… now I have a reason to get cable and sip my fucking margaritas right?”
And I giggled and replied, “Yes… I believe you fucking do”.
I just finished a book that literally felt like my own personal memoir…
I have read thousands of books… thousands… and I have never ever read a book where the characters, plot lines, and relationships were so unmistakably similar to my own life and relationships. It’s even more mind blowing that a simple novel could have that much impact on me believing that I have indeed made the best decision in my life.
After reading this book (and heavily reflecting on my life this last year) I can say this…
Sometimes a person’s judgement’s can be severely clouded by moments of “what ifs” and “maybes”. Sometimes you can share a beautiful moment with someone and wonder if there could be something more.
And sometimes it is OKAY to wonder if you chose the right path in your love life.
But then you have to step back, get out of that moment, look at the big picture, and see everything that you could lose just by walking away with someone new.
Tonight I’m going through the pictures of my vacation I took with you… again.
It was a beautiful trip. One truly full of so many amazing memories, conversations, and experiences. And these photos I took… I mean fuck… I have so many stunning photographs… so many gorgeous views and landscapes.
But… mixed all haphazardly within them… there’s the pictures with you…
They literally make me nauseated.
Not with disgust though… just sadness. I see those pictures and I immediately smile, but then it’s that feeling of loss that gets me. A feeling of deep loss that makes me feel like I ate at a shitty buffet in a ghetto and got E.Coli.
So what do I do?
Do I keep looking at these beautiful pictures every night for another fucking month? I mean… I highly fucking doubt it that just by staring at these pictures and praying you come back into my life that you will.
Do I just try to crop you out of every single one? I mean… some of the pictures with the two of us I look pretty damn hot… so cropping isn’t really an option for the majority of them.
Do I put them on Facebook anyways knowing your family will see them? I mean… it’s been almost two months… it’s probably a little late to post a hundred vacation pictures anyways. Then people will think I just came back and that’s annoying.
Do I send them to you at 3am to try to help you remember the amazing times we all had? I mean… never mind. I already know that’s a BAD FUCKING IDEA!!!!
I guess I just don’t fucking know at the moment. I just know that I want to share these images with the world… even if you’re in them.
Because shit… I’m not a photographer… but these are some damn good pictures.
So sometimes I have REALLY odd patients at work… but this week’s beat them all.
Imagine a seventy year old schizophrenic hobbit lady that hoards garbage, has no teeth, long nails caked underneath with an unknown filth, and is covered with cat shit. Literally. She was found by family at her house laying on the floor and covered with poop from her thirty cats. Seriously. (I did make sure animal control took the cats btw). So there I am with this mean, screaming, punching, hobbit creature in my care and I’m thinking it can’t get worse. Nope. I was fucking wrong.
In walks her family (daughter and son-in-law) looking like actors from the ‘Hills Have Eyes’. Basically like swamp people that have been inbreeding for a hundred years and their DNA had just been scrambled by this point. Literally no one in this family had teeth. The whole family just had these creepy, blank, toothless smiles that fucking gave me goosebumps. Anyways, so I’m explaining to the son-in-law that I needed to get a sample from his mother-in-law for a test and the dude says, “She’s not my mom… she’s my girlfriend”. (This is after I just saw him kissing the patient’s fucking daughter in the hallway btw.) I must have made my confused “what the fuck is happening” face because he began informing me about his relationships. He explains how he loves them both and sometimes he fucks the schizo hobbit patient… and sometimes he fucks the schizo hobbit’s daughter… and sometimes they all fuck in all their grossness together… and then I puked in my mouth. He just stands there after this revolting story with his blank, toothless smile waiting for a response. Completely horrified I say, “Well… I’m glad you all get along together” before quickly getting the fuck out of there and ending my shift.
And now… I’m sitting here on my day off… and for the life of me I can’t get the image of the ‘Hills Have Eyes’ incest family fucking together in a hoarding house filled with thirty cats…
Tonight doesn’t feel like a poetry kind of night…
It feels like a thinking/venting night and fuck… have I been thinking and wanting to vent it out. This week… lord has it been a week. Honestly… it’s been a beautiful disaster of a seven day stretch and I feel as if I’ve somehow done a year’s worth of learning/growing.
First, I lost my best friend (and that basically shattered me). Second, my biggest/worst fucking secret in the world, which I held precariously for years, came to light (and that turned my shatters into dust). Third, the secret ended up not being a secret like I thought (and then complete confusion consumed my said dust particles). Fourth… I learned not to tell my secrets to anyone besides my fucking cats (who don’t know more than ten words of fucking English anyways).
So I’ll break it down into a cute little list of things I learned and discovered this week:
- Sometimes I have to be strong for just myself (not others).
- What is meant to be is what is meant to be (good or not).
- I cannot change the past (no matter how hard I think I can).
- Time machines are not a fucking real thing (thanks Google for the unrealistic blueprints).
- Secrets always come out (no matter what you do to hide the trails).
- Don’t drink alcohol and tell those secrets (then those secrets are then just general information).
- Don’t get a low blood sugar at work from skipping meals (you will get sick at work, look really dumb, and have eight co-worker nurses stabbing you with needles).
- I really really really miss my best friend (A LOT).
- My cats are the most adorable things on the planet (besides otters… I really love otters).
- I’m going to grow up and be a recluse cat lady (95% likely).
All in all, it’s been a depressing yet gratifying week. Although, I would have appreciated all these events to be in separate weeks… but maybe next time.
P.S. Thank you everyone for keeping me going this week with all the positive comments and love. It means more than you can imagine. ❤ Hal
I don’t know if this should be a poem… I don’t even know how to start this… I don’t know what to say or how to say it… I honestly don’t even know if you’re reading this right now… but here is what I know…
I know that I hurt you. I know that I fucked up (again). I know that you probably hate me and never want to talk to me again. I know that you loved me and wanted to share your life with me. I know you blame yourself (even though you should not). I know I fucking broke your heart.
I am so utterly sorry. I am so fucking sorry. I am sorry I hurt you and hurt myself (again). I am sorry I probably made you cry the way I did. I am sorry I told you I loved you when I should have kept it to myself. I am sorry for leading you on to something I wasn’t completely sure about. I am sorry for not being what you wanted me to be. I am sorry that I ruined a long friendship that can never be replaced. I am sorry if you feel like you blame yourself for any of this bullshit. I am sorry for dragging you down and putting you in a place you don’t need or want to be. I am sorry that you feel you can’t even talk to me. I am so fucking sorry.
I will never stop loving you unconditionally. I will never think of you with anything other than love and respect. I will keep looking at our pictures and thinking back on those memories. I will never look at peanut butter the same way again (laughed a bit through my tears right there for a second). I will think of you every time I look at the stars. I will pray every, single, fucking day that you can somehow be part of my life. I will be thinking about you everyday until I hear from you. I will not say goodbye, but I will say see you later. I will ALWAYS BE HERE.
So if you are reading this M.J.L. … I am sorry. I’ll never know if you read this unless you say something. I’m terrified to try to message you (I just don’t want to know if you blocked my number and I don’t want to make anything worse than what it already is). I want you (and me) to TRY to begin the healing process now and I think some time alone is very much needed. Right now we both feel like shit, but maybe someday we can rebuild our friendship.
I will always be here. You know where to find me.
See you later.
I got called into my nursing supervisors office today…
So… there I am eating my chalky ass protein bar at the nurses station and my supervisor comes over and says, “I need to talk to you”. Fucking great right? So I go into her office sweaty as all fuck as she sits me down and says…”A patient is making complaints that you took her chapstick and refused to give it back”.
Fucking chapstick. I look at her, grinned, and said, “Uh yep”. I’m fucking telling you… the confusion on my bosses face was instant when I admitted to doing something so fucking odd. At this point, I reached into my pocket and give her the patient’s chapstick. She looks at it. She looks back at me. Then she says… “This is a Elmer’s glue stick”. And I’m like… “Yeah… You’re right”.
So then I explained to my boss that my dementia patient was literally using FUCKING GLUE on her mouth for God knows how fucking long because she thought it was chapstick. So hell yeah I took that shit away. I’m a great nurse. Therefore, I don’t let my confused patients put damn art supplies on their mouth. 😂
I fucking love my job. 😁
Today I am fucking thankful, grateful, and blessed.
I need to start this story by saying that I suck at checking the fucking weather. Okay… so I heard a rumor it was going to snow… and heard it was going to be a lot… but holy shit balls. Basically I left my hotel this morning and entered a world of white chaos with completely horrific road conditions. My friends had headed out before me though and had called to warn me of the ice and white-outs, so I took it slow.
So here’s the thing… when you live in a state with some of the worst winters, you’d expect people know how to drive in shit conditions. Nope. One bad winter driver can start a hell of a domino effect. A pile-up. And fuck… there was a big one. Hundreds of cars, trucks, trailers, and snowmobiles completely ruined. Literally HUNDREDS of vehicles were flipped and smashed all over the highway. I drove through and was thinking… “holy shit… I’m glad I missed that”… and fucking fuck. The car I was trailing behind suddenly disappeared into pure whiteness. (For those of you who live in beautiful snow-free areas, this is referred to as a white-out. Take a piece of white printer paper, put it directly against your face, and open your eyes. That’s a fucking white-out.) I barely get enough time to think, “okay… this is bad… fuck me” and the white-out clears. Then I see red. The bright red of dozens of brake lights in front of me. It was another fucking pile-up and I was fucking in it. Instant sweat and panic hit me. Somehow I was able to serve/drift onto the shoulder just enough to avoid the car directly in front me, but… that left my rear exposed. I took a second to look behind me and time literally stopped. There were vehicles… hauling ass… coming fucking straight at me. So… I braced myself for impact.
Long story short… I was extremely lucky today. Lucky by mere inches. Cars were fucked up all around me and somehow I was able to get out with my life and car unscathed. My usually easy hour and a half drive turned into four hours of detours, back roads, hellish highways, and panic attacks. However, through this nightmare I was able to see people being just fucking great people. Nobody today was yelling or placing any blame for what had happened. I just saw people who were all stuck in a very shitty situation together being kind, helpful, and caring to one another.
So, I’ll end this adventure with a few things I learned today…
Watch the fucking weather, keep boots in the car like my mom always says (Converse aren’t the fucking best in a foot of snow), and never let a shitty situation bring out the worst in you.
And damn… it feels fucking great to be home.
How did we get here?
And where the fuck do we go now?